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Monday, June 25, 2012

Sup buddy.  Just feel like doing some writing.  It may not seem directed at you at times, but I see no other person I'd rather send this to.  Pretty much just random thoughts on these travels coming to an end.  Also gonna warn you it's pretty disorganized.  Just writing as it comes to me.

I'm sitting here in 110 degree heat.  An off-kilter fan rotates above me, cooling the sweat that quickly perspires on my skin.  It's a bit entrancing.  The way the heat revolves around this box of a room.  Or maybe debilitating is more appropriate to define such conditions.  I haven't put much time into thinking about this trip.  The last couple of weeks have unraveled at such a rapid pace.  It seems like just yesterday I was saying goodbye to Jes in Amritsar.  And the day before that I was in a jeep headed into the Himalayas.  And the day before that I was flying into Mumbai.  Where did all of this time go?  Maybe time is a worthless medium to track our progress.  I think a gradual growth is expected in life, that the emotional bounds are tied to the physical ones, and that only over the long-run do we recognize growth in relation to time.  But I feel as though I have grown more in these last 11 months than the previous 24 years and 1 month combined.  That doesn't seem gradual to me at all.  

I think it will be difficult to articulate the changes that have manifested over this trip, let alone comprehend them.  But they are there.  And I feel incredibly lucky to have met them.  

I'm not sure how the transition will go coming back home.  At times I am extremely optimistic about settling down, finding a job, continuing with hobbies and pursuing new ones.  At times I am a bit scared, how I will adjust to a daily routine. Or even how I will now perceive others, and how that may have changed over time, whether it be friends or complete strangers.  I know though in the end, I will be better for it, regardless of how difficult it may be at first.  That's one thing that seems to hold constant with life.  The perpetual cycles of peaks and troughs.  Before I used to do my best float up to the peaks, and ask myself what was wrong in times of sadness, or difficulty.  Now I try to view the downs as equal to the ups.  Stop trying to struggle my way out of it, and just observe it.  It's extremely cliche, but the less I try to change things that are out of my control (my insecurities, my times of discontentment, etc..), and instead just accept them, the more I peace of mind with myself.

I know not having you at home will be difficult.  It's weird.  I am well aware of your location in Colorado, but part of me still expects you to be over at your house.  I think I have just been so conditioned to that during my teenage years, that any contradiction to that is distressing.  It's funny though how traveling has changed even something like my view on our friendship.  I recall at times in Seattle, thinking of moving to Vancouver.  Partially as a new experience, partially as a need to escape everything/one I was relying on.  I felt as though my dependence on you was too strong.  The fact that I preferred to have you take part in activities, to the point where I would avoid them if you were unable to come.  Things seem different now.  I feel more independent.  And even the thought of avoiding time that could be spend hanging out with you is horrible.  One thought that is more potent now than at any point previous in my life, is that my lifetime is remarkably short.  I want to spend as much time as possible with the people I love, cause I have no clue as to when it will be too late to do so.    

Looking back on traveling, it seems as though I stumbled onto it.  I am not sure if I'd be here if it wasn't for a plethora of rare coincidences.  A surplus of funds (poker).  Sisters who traveled before me.  Life boredom.  And last but not least, R. Port (you may laugh, but she may have had the greatest influence of all).  I remember driving with Rob to winterpark for a day of skiing, the day before the orgasmic ride where we were all hungover.  We were talking about life, and the future.  I mentioned that Rachel had been traveling, as Rob was good friends with her.  This spawned some idealistic thought in my head of doing the same.  Leaving America for a year or two.  All of my problems would be solved, and I could ditch the few commitments I had (one being KC).  The rest is history it seems. 

What a fantastic mistake.  

I think theres more to this, but that's all I feel like writing for now.  Gonna eat dinner, smoke a j on top of the guesthouse roof overlooking the Ganges.  Not a bad night if I do say so myself.  

Love ya buddy.  Can't wait to do some serious catching up, in Boulder of all places.